Boardrooms To The Bedroom: Has Big Data Gotten Out Of Hand?

Big data may not be a term that gets mentioned casually in your social circle, but rest assured that those having the conversations have left an imprint on almost everything we do these days.

Based on the new product recently mentioned in both The Huffington Post and Digital Trends, that circle of everything is quickly closing with the latest wearable technology, Lovely.

Behold, the penis wearable! Yep, that’s what I said. It’s the Fitbit for your D. All your sex stats and recommendations for sexual improvements in one handy little device!

Far be it from me to stop anyone from seeking to enhance their sex lives, but at what point in our tech-loving, wearable-gadget obsessed, increasingly iDependent lives will Susan Powter have to come out and do her thing?

Have we come to the point where we need a team of analysts crunching that data? Have you ever said to your bedmate, “I really wish we had more g-force in our sex lives,” or “come on baby, more mph in that push”? Don’t we already have enough notifications constantly chiming on our phones? Who is honestly looking for the digital version of a guy pressing his boner against your back to signal he’s in the mood while you’re trying to (or pretending to) sleep (1:47 mark of video)?

Sure, in theory, the idea sounds great-ish. Help people get it on better and more often. But (and this is a big but!) what type of person is this actually aimed at?

A) The Prudish Couple Who is Afraid to Talk About Sex?


The couple that can’t speak openly to one another about what they like or would like to try in the bedroom is probably not going to be game for throwing a dog-chew-toy-looking silicone device on their junk right before they turn the lights out (this couple definitely makes sure the lights are off). It’s even less likely that they’d turn the lights back on to analyze the results postcoitally.

B) The Average Couple Who Wants To Spice Things Up?

Credit: xoan seoane
Credit: xoan seoane

They’re your everyday couple that just want to try some new things. Maybe it will be fun, you never know. Maybe Bob and Cindy are just a little too shy to go to a sex shop and browse around. DEFINITELY Bob and Cindy are a little too shy to get Lovely delivered to their door or risk someone seeing the boner notification pop up on their phones!

C) The Not So Average Couple Who REALLY Wants To Spice Things Up?

311afe23832f7bcccbf9e8ec47caf4e4 2

They’re uninhibited and have no problem talking about their sex lives in front of anyone, regardless of how awkward it can be for others. Sex is a natural thing and they just want to learn to please each other more.

What can a team of analysts offer them that they haven’t already tried? I think it’s a safe bet that all suggestions in the Lovely report are going to come from this poster currently hanging in some douche bag’s dorm room. This couple is already moving on to the next position before Lovely can put a report together. The key party will probably start soon too, so they likely wouldn’t have time to read the report anyway.

D) The Overly Competitive Couple?

Caption: Gustavo Rezende
Credit: Gustavo Rezende

They already own Fitbits and lay in bed anxiously wondering who will get the better sleep report card. It’s never a good report because they toss and turn all night thinking about it. They compete with everyone to get the most steps in a day. They know exactly how many calories they ingest per bite. It’s all tracked by an app that they will show you and that you should totally get.

And now they need to know what their sexual g-force is. They’ll pull off their Google Glasses and condescendingly tell you how they’ve ALWAYS been interested in sexual g-force.

He will tell you how many mph’s he can move his d in an out. You’ll say “that’s cool, I don’t need to know,” but he’ll tell you anyway.

She will tell you how many more calories she’s burning now that she’s amped up her g-force in certain positions. You’ll quickly ask the waiter to bring a magnum. Wine or .357 caliber. Doesn’t matter. Just bring one.

The answer is D. And they are now installing a dry erase board over their headboard in order to further analyze the big data of their dick technology.

How can you say you have a great sex life if you don’t have the data to back it up, people!



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