My Kids’ Future Job Options Based On Their Current Skills

You can be anything you want when you grow up. Maybe that’s true, but maybe it’s also not possible to become a dinosaur. So here’s some realistic career paths for my 2 and 4 year olds based on what they’re great at now.

Time Warner Cable Customer Service

Time Warner Cable Employees
“Let’s go piss some people off.”

I ask them for something. There is a long pause, some made up words, and then they disappear for a while. When they come back they bring me everything that is not what I asked for. I re-explain what I do want and what I do not want. Again. Very clearly.

They take unwanted items back to where they found them, stop and do some coloring, and maybe read a book or two. Then they come back carrying the same things that I just said I don’t want!

If I ask to speak to the manager, they tell me, “Mommy won’t be home ’til later.”

Getaway Driver

getaway driver
Credit: Rob Bell flickr

It’s always full-on reverse for the lil man when he hops on anything with wheels. Park toddlers know to get out of the way. And once he crashes (he will crash!), he’s got no problem ditching the wheels and hoofing it.

Block the alleyway all you want coppers. This kid’s already in reverse and taking out every garbage can and rickshaw in his path!

Lawyer

I can’t remember all the things I say to bribe my kids into behaving, but I don’t need to. Apparently, I have a 4 year old daughter for that.

Flipping back in her legal pad, “Daddy, did you, or did you not say, if I ate all of my vegetables last week, then we’d have cake for every meal this week?”

"A Few Good Men" I want the truth gif

You can’t handle the truth! I was probably lying then, and I’m probably lying now. I’m a parent. We always lie. We’re allowed to! It’s in our Constitution. Of course you can’t have chocolate cake for breakfast. Just eat your freaking broccoli!

Interrogators

Interrogation Situation
Credit: KamrenB Photography

Sleep deprivation is a powerful tool, and I would throw everyone I know under the bus if that’s what this good cop/bad cop duo needed from me. It starts with a midnight sip of water for one of them, but then the other one needs to go potty. Then they switch.

Just when you think you can finally get to sleep by 2 a.m., there are uncontrollable tears that will only stop if you tell them where THAT ONE toy is. You know, the one they haven’t played with in over a year? Tell them where the toy is and this will all be over!

Master Criminal

Cracking A Safe
Credit: http://www.perspecsys.com

I’m not exactly encouraging this, but the boy is like Liam Neesons with a very specific set of skills.

I needed his sister’s birth certificate to register her for kindergarten, so I go to the safe to get it. When I get there the keys are gone. Yes, I know leaving them in there was not the smartest idea and defeats the purpose of “safe,” but this one is for documents. We’re not stacking cash and diamonds in there. If someone wants to break in and rob my home, we have a bigger problem than someone else having the ability to register my kids for school or renew my lease.

Weeks later I found the keys. Where? In the toy box next to his sister’s bed. For a while I thought it was her, until one day I came out of the shower to find him about to give himself a hernia trying to open it without keys. He played it cool though. Smiled and walked away. He knew I wouldn’t go to the cops.

This morning, after getting out of the shower, I opened the door to find him holding out my wallet. Like he was doing me a favor and safe guarding it for me! Not sure what his plan is yet, but he’s definitely upgrading. Showers might be out of the question soon.

Whatever Their Friends Become

As long as one of their friends doesn’t jump off a bridge, there’s a good chance they will both become whatever their besties do. I’m not saying my kids don’t have minds of their own, but if Sally is drinking from a red cup, there’s gonna be some hyperventilating if I go anywhere near them with a purple cup. If Sally goes into marketing, they’re gonna say they NEED to go into marketing too.

But don’t worry kids, I’m already trying to weed out your friends at the playground. Sally is pretty sucky so far and has Regina written all over her.

"Mean Girls" Regina George

That red cup of hers will eventually read Solo on the bottom, and she will surely go on a tirade about people being “WEIRD at sports.

You keep wearing pink on Wednesdays for now, but know that I’m scouting for that Harvard talent on the playground. The jury is still out on the kid picking his nose in the corner. Maybe he’s just weird. OR maybe he’s a genius and you’ll just have to Purell through some play dates on your way to being the next Steve Wozniak.

Mommy and Daddy have retirement plans, and we’ve had to wipe your poop off of you, ourselves, each other, and nearly everything we own. So you can suck it up and stop being afraid of some boogers, alright?! We’re looking at you when we say we want the beach house AND the lake house!

A Narc

"21 Jump Street" Holly Robinson

Our dynamic duo is thick as thieves, but one of them tends to be a thief in sheep’s clothing. The older and wiser sister knows the rules quite well. More importantly, she knows how to convince her brother to break them right in front of her. That’s when she goes running down the hall, screaming about how she she caught him doing something he shouldn’t be.

Like I said before, he’s cool as a cucumber. Walks out of the room, toothpick dangling from his lip, as if to say, “you can’t prove it was me.”

But his sister’s obsessed with the video feature on my phone lately. Pretty sure she’s mastering the art of surveillance and going deep under cover. She’s working on being there the next time he stashes something next to her bed.

Sports Commentator

Buck-Aikman

Listening to play-by-play is a lot like listening to a 4 year old tell a story. Every obvious and mundane detail gets told, and there are tangents galore. But once you need an explanation about something questionable, they have no idea what happened and it’s not eligible for review.

I already know that whoever has the most points at the end of the game wins. I’m not sure how this relates to you seeing a pigeon on the street today. But why is your brother covered in paint? Did he step out of bounds, or did he get pushed out of bounds?!

Apparently Kid Reporter
“Yeah, apparently my brother is covered in paint. We’re not sure how that happened.”

We’re working on improving those skill sets to increase our retirement possibilities their options, and hopefully keep them both on the good side of the law. But it can’t hurt to have a master criminal career as a fallback if that whole being a dinosaur thing doesn’t work out for you.

One comment

  1. Oh Sean you are hysterical . Dad and I were bursting in laughter last night. I’ve been in line with Annie and Mary at the Mackenzie child’s bArn sale this am since 5am. Just read your blog to them. We r laughing hysterically. Thank you for that. Luv u and see you tomorrow . Xxoo

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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